

!i 



BUBBLES 

BY EUSTACE HALE BALL 




Class JLc)^^^ 

Copyright ]^!'_.lQj_2^ 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSITS 










Dost recollect the Legend 
Of the Bubble on the Sea? 



BUBBLES 

FROM GOTHAM'S PIERIAN 
SPRING 



BY 

EUSTACE HALE BALL 

Author of 
THE STRIKER." "SKYSCRAPER SHADOWS." 
Editor of "BROADWAY BUZZ" 



1912 

THE VERITAS PUBLISHING COMPANY 
ONE MADISON AVENUE :: NEW YORK CITY 



Copyright 1912 

By EUSTACE HALE BALL 

All rights reserved 






I'i 



OOPV 

SEP ; ; }:*i^ 



Cover and frontpiece by Harold Van Buren 



John N. Race Print, Fort Lee, N. J. 



DEDICATED 
TO 

MY mother: 

AND SUCH A mother! 



IN CONFIDENCE 

A Book of Bubbles underneath the Shelf, 
A Salesman, most forgetful, seeking Pelf 
By peddling just Best Sellers— What's the odds? 
'Tis Summer Time, and I have spread myself! 

—August 1912 



PRELUDE. 



No Dragons to kill, no Soul-stirring moral Crusades, 
no political Revolutions to revolve! 

At least, not now. 

This Classic Tome is not even aesthetic ! 

BUBBLES merely puts into type the Things 
you and your friend said, or meant to say and couldn't 
remember, or would have said had you thought of it at 
the exact instant. 

I am an Optimist, yearning not, in my present Mood, 
for Social or Moral Problems. I am too poor a Mathe- 
matician. 

I believe that there is enough cussedness to combat 
in every day Life, enough Blue Mondays every Day in 
the Week, to remind us that in the midst of Life we are 
in Debt — generally speaking. And especially, do I wish 
to insist that this is not a good Book for Sunday School 
Libraries, Soap Premiums, nor Funeral Memorials. 

Then, on with the volume: let Joy be as refined as 
possible, in this Golden Age of Cabarets and College 
Education, Turkey Trots and Societies for the Suppres- 
sion of Vice ! 

I thank you for understanding me. 



B U B B 



Down from the cobwebbed ages the personal life of 
the classes and the masses has been pictured in the 
memoirs of the great and the also-present. Their inti- 
mate confessions, petty prejudices and large admira- 
tions have been the pigments to color the bare outlines 
of History. Very good ! But, for the most part the 
memoirs have been postponed, particuarly in modern 
times, until the autobiographer has won his laurels in 
sterner lines of effort. His bravest energies, his en- 
thusiasms, his vital individuality have been absorbed 
by his life's work, until he offers in his Valedictory 
merely the husks. Is there not a modest half-inch of 
shelf room among the ponderous dusty tomes for a few 
impressions by a young man who has NOT succeeded — 
yet — of optimism, juvenile hates and loves, red-blooded 
errors, bubbling egotism, and youthful paganism, — just 
to leave one heritage of youth to the 'generations yet to 
grow old? Ecce liber! 

A day or so ago, a certain millionaire spoke sharply: 
"College men, huh! They seem no better than other 
men. Wherein lies the difference, eh?" He was satis- 
fied with his question mark. The answer is that "Col- 
lege" is simply a training ground for the body, the in- 
tellect, the spirit of young men who aim to be worth 

9 



B U B B 



while; a place where contact with bigger, better, dif- 
ferent men may aid in mellowing the intolerance of 
youth! College men have good chances to win good 
friends, with mutual work, ideals, and sports; to delve 
in many curious old books and still more new ones 
which would seem paltry on a bank counter, but con- 
tain much treasure all the same; to dream and to 
garden their souls for a few beautiful seasons; to 
memorize a few street numbers on the Highway of 
Knowledge that they may find brave aid, perhaps, in 
time of need! The college man has been shown a few 
well-blazed and trusty trails over the rocky uplands to the 
Promised Land. If he follow them not — alackaday! 
O, rich old man! Beware! If you peep over the bank 
into the collegian's Pierian rivulet you are in danger of 
recklessly swapping your bank books, your bonds, your 
triumphs, and your heart-aches for a few class-books, 
to begin a belated pilgrimage on the Quest of the 
Golden Years. 

Being out of a job gives you time to consider the 
rewards of virtue, and to learn the worth of your friends. 

There are two very difficult things in this life: one is 
to deceive, and the other is not to deceive. 

10 



BUBBLES 

Why do so many Broadway girls give you such a 
searching look as you pass by? Can it be that they 
have lost something? 

The real actor becomes the part: the matinee idol 
makes the part becoming. 

Every dog has his day, but the tom cats in my block 
seem to have much dissension concerning the nights! 

A prominent German paper, "Die Post," of Berlin, 
editorially declares that the American government is 
one of crude shirt sleeve diplomacy. 

A prominent Broadway philosopher begs to reply that 
the German government is a rubber-stamp boobocracy 
which may well have its official splurge in the inspired 
press — for social reform will soon take the reins of 
that wonderful Empire out of the hands of its imbecilic 
and pompous round-table aristocracy, that it may be 
managed by the workers who take off their coats to get 
down to toil. Thank God that the shirt sleeve still pre- 
vails in America ! 

<^ ^* 

Sauce from a goose is an insult from a gander. 

11 



B U B B 



Tve been looking through at least six hundred and 
seven illustrations of high, low, jack and game archi- 
tecture, outsides and internal workings, for the building 
of ''homes/* I don't believe that in more than ten of 
them were hints of any real comfey corners! 

The libraries and dens were exquisite in their art- 
nouveau windows, vertical lines and broad panels. But 
oh, for the joyous sqush of a fat old arm chair whose 
leather could withstand the strain of a spilled mint- 
julep or a six-year-older's boots. 

The dining-rooms looked like places where finger- 
bowls would make more proper wall decorations than 
steins. The kitchens looked like bath-rooms, and we 
would wager a month's winnings that it would be im- 
possible to fry mammie-style Maryland chicken, or to 
make blackberry jam in those frigid, ultra sanitary 
cookariums ! 

Most of the houses were completed in the blue-prints 
— the structures and the fixtures, the final arrangement 
of gewgaws being merely the receipts for the money. 

A real home is barely begun when the last workman 
jangles his empty dinner pail down the walk. 

Books must be grown into the library just as well as 
flowers alongside the trellised portico. Pictures have to 
be transfused into the personality of the interior, 

12 



B U B B 



whether they be Rembrandts or clipped covers of 
"Jugend/' 

And as for furniture, well, you just can't buy it in a 
department store, for somehow or other, it never loses 
the look of the price tag with an odd penny chopped off. 

How doth the struggling chorus goil keep spirits up 
to par? By saving pennies 'til she's able for to buy her 
Car. 

^* «^* 

The only profitable way to wait for Opportunity is 
to slip out the kitchen door, and swat the lady over the 
Psyche knot, just as she shoves her card under the front 
door. That prevents a still-alarm getaway. 

If we didn't sell our wares where they weren't wanted, 
we'd never amount to more than shipping clerks for 
the other chaps, whether we dealt in shirtwaists, stocks, 
law, painting, editorials or battlefields! 

A prize of silver-plated oilstove will be awarded to 
any inspired reader who can send me the real reason 
why all trains, to all points, in all depots, start from 
"Track Numbah Four!" 

13 



B U B B 



Charity, as advertised, continues its job of covering a 
multitude of skinners. In this Old Town there's room 
for decoration. 

My mail teems each morning with elaborate circulars 
and typewritten appeals from the Charity Organiza- 
tion Society and Other Schemes for Improvement of the 
Poor. All ask for financial help, enclosing neat re- 
turn envelopes. I note with pleasure the large list of 
socially and unsocially prominent millionaires who are 
always officers and abettors of these philanthropic en- 
terprises. 

I have also met some of these gentle-faced, smug- 
souled human uplifters, and since getting an oppor- 
tunity to size up the improvers of mankind I have 
ceased to wonder at the crime waves which beat about 
the chaste walls of settlement-house neighborhoods. 

Why, oh, why do the watchdogs of the uplift treasury 
yelp around the front vestibules of poor scribes and 
struggling editors? Why do they try to climb our 
fences, when the picking is so good in the home 
orchard ? 

If a few dollars, as declared in these half-toned cir- 
culars, will suffice to save families and babies, mothers 
and pet cats from suffering and misery, why do not 
some of the millionaires who drape themselves over 

14 



B U B B L 



letter heads in twelve-point caps scribble out a few 
checks, and fill the bill, saving postage and office ex- 
penses? 

Echo scratches his chin and shakes a puzzled head! 

An ambulance call was sent in the other day by a 
kind-hearted physician from out of town. He had 
espied a broiler without her makeup on and thought the 
unfortunate girl was at the point of death. 

Look not upon the popular novel when it is read! 

The hope of real politics and statecraft these days is 
the fact that the frock coat and congress shoes are go- 
ing out of style. Young men are getting into the game 
who are more used to athletic costumes and business 
clothes than the proud panoply of great position, as- 
sociated with the fat silk tile. 

In the Spring the wily real estate man sells blue-prints 
of the sands! 

One man's meat is another man's poison, which 
teaches us to have a woman chef, if only to beat the 
proverb. Besides, she might be good looking, 

15 



B U B B 



It is not the number one glass of wine which is 
responsible for incurable jagitis: it is the first sizzling, 
comfortable cup of morning-after headache cure which 
teaches that the Balm of Bilead may cheat the throes 
of Remorse! Then the novitiate becomes a hardened 
sinner, for he knows he has a system ! 

That fellow Voltaire, who used to live in Paris, has 
observed that when women pass the age of attractive- 
ness to men — or realize that they have never attained it 
— they turn to woo the divinity. Times have changed: 
now the same vintage of dames direct their affections to- 
ward anti-vivisection and the suffrage! 

^ .*« 

They say you will meet every one you know if you stand 
long enough at any given point on Broadway between 
Flatiron Triangle and Lobster Square. Hell must have 
had the same architect as Manhattan. 

Cheese should be seen and not heard! 

When rogues fall out the police get their'n. 

Great barkers are no biters, but a good ballyho 
bringeth the gate receipts. 

16 



B U B B 



Verily, it is a lineal descendant of Minerva who keep- 
eth a few affinities in cold storage, for in these parlous 
days of high living one never knoweth when there may 
be a famine in broilers! 

The newspapers throughout the country fill their 
pages with feature articles of speculation on what the 
American army would do in case of war with a foreign 
power. 

The answer is non-negotiable and absolutely easy: 
'Tight like hell, as they've always done!" 
That ought to suffice for all practical needs. 

Conscience should be seen and not heard. 

A pretty secretary in the office maketh the wife good 
at home. 

Two swallows do not make a summer, but too many 
swallows induce a hummer ! 

When in Rome light Roman candles. 

Wilful waist makes woeful want of breath in a pannier 
skirt. 

17 



B U B B 



If Luther Burbank would only evolute the Bugless 
Farm, his other inventions in the vegetable kingdom 
would fade away into the obscurity of Dr. Dowie, Dr. 
Cook, Dr. Commoner and others of the dear departed 
deported! But the Bugless Farm would have to face 
fearful opposition! Especially from the Koscher 
Realty Associates of Harlem and the Bronx. However, 
Luther B., nail your insect death-warrants to the screen 
door, and we'll back you from that delectable reforma- 
tion farm through the suburban renaissance! Out upon 
the bites, say we! 

Don't put it off until tomorrow if you can get some one 
else to do it today. 

(^ %^ 

The Broadway traffic squad of ex-actors would make 
fine billiardists, to judge from their mastery of Reverse 
English. 

Even leading men are hard pushed, occasionally. 

No man is so bitter a radical as a standpat business 
man who has been ruined by the trust which he helped 
to build. 

18 



B U B B 



Fashion note: Thin, black silk stockings are looked 
upon favorably, these drizzly days, along the Rialto. 

"The brave man is not he who feels no fear. 
For that were brutish and irrational; 
But he whose noble soul his fear subdues 
And only gives the waiter fifty per cent, tip on his 
order!" 

A teakwood table on Mott Street beats five in a Har- 
lem flat! 

A friend with a roll beats two that are kind! 

City Courts laugh at Blackstone! 

Many famous comedians refuse to be discovered by 
the paying public because they persist in disguising 
themselves as juveniles. 

Three people who court theatrical failures: the cos- 
tumer, the shoemaker and the scene painter. 

One advantage of having you telephone removed: 
creditors never get sore throats. 

19 



B U B B 



The only way to tame a wife-beater is to make him 
marry a little woman. 

A man will squander half his vacation money on some 
summer hotel girl who wouldn't get a second look in the 
city where he has a general staff of twenty! 

The height of courage: to start a new magazine in 
New York. 

The smallest thing in the world: Scotch generosity. 

Look not upon the wine when it is red; try the bubbly 
kind : it's more effective. 

The height of the impossible: a girl apologizing 
when she is wrong. 

The worst snob in the world: the man who struck 
ile and believes it financial genius. 

Save your money in youth, refrain from buying the 
good things you love: for when you grow old, you 
will still have the money and won't be able to enjoy 
what you purchase. This is thrift. 

20 



B U B B 



Some girls don't begin to show womanhood until they 
reach manhood. 

Why can't they leave American Motherhood out of 
the Broadway farces? A few things should be sacred, 
even in our theatres. 

You can't win business Marathons by following a 
hearse. 

Thrice blest is he who knoweth when to unlimber a 
grin ! 

Virtue is, in many instances, its only reward. 

Humility of spirit is a fine thing in a wilderness but 
it doesn't pay for much gas and rent (not to mention 
three meals a day) in New York! 

Yielding to temptation is our leading Fall sport. 

Why does the atmosphere of a Sunday School job 
fertilize dundrearies so luxuriantly? Didst ever notice? 
No little green bugs either — except perhaps on the an- 
nual picnic! 

21 



B U B B 



The average college club presents an exhibition in 
animated wax work which must drive the stage man- 
ager of the Eden Musee green with envy! In every 
club of this sort I have seen, and there are several, 
one beholds an established clientelle which sits about 
the oaken tables, lapping up highballs and discussing 
chorines and polo scores. Why is it that business suc- 
cess of a proud father and social ambition of a clever 
mother generally cause atavism in the children? 

Birds of a feather may gather no moss, but in unity 
there am greenbacks! E. g., the Clearing House situa- 
tion in this town! 

It is all very well to decry the stinking city streets. 
Yet I am willing to wager my only copy of "Pilgrim's 
Progress" against a berthamclay novel that for general 
all-round pathological interest the garbage-bordered 
ways of the New York slums can not hold the smelling 
salts to the Oriental perfume of the common or garden 
variety of farmhouse — thirty-one minutes after a mid- 
summer shower! Shades of Charon and Mrs. O'Leary's 
cow! Neither the Styx nor the Chicago River, in all 
their glory, are as one of these! 

22 



B U B B 



When a farmer's son is big and lusty, he is kept home 
from school and given the farm to run; when his bro- 
ther is cunning and scrawny, he is sent to the city to 
learn to be a lawyer; and when the third of the family 
is a boob, he is given two pairs of white socks, a green 
umbrella, a suit of store clothes which hit him above the 
congress shoes and just below the elbow, a little round 
hat, and sent off to a theological seminary, for he is the 
kind to tell the world its sins, and set the example of a 
holy life. 

It's a wise liar who carries a pocket diary. 

Churches will continue to be empty as long as min- 
isters plagarize Cotton Mather and St. Augustine, in- 
stead of getting down to cases and talking for people 
with red blood. 

I would rather write a cashable check for $501,725 
than be President: let he who will be clever! 

In olden days girls had to work for their living: now 
their living seems to be a bitter task, while father and 
the boys do the working. 

23 



B U B B 



Many a man tips his hat when he passes his church 
on the way home to kick a lung out of the "old woman" 
for burning the corned-beef-and-cabbage ! 

All the love in the world can't cure a girl who be- 
lieves in the divine right of queens. She needs a hus- 
band with a gift of language — strongly savoring of sul- 
phur. 

What is the difference between the leading products 
of the New York Stock Exchange and of the great 
American farming interests? Merely a matter of 
gender. 

The ancient motto about the true statesman waiting 
for the office to hunt the right man should be canned 
in the pigeon-hole with the Cook reports on the Pole. 
Any public office or private job should be hunted with 
artillery! The man who won't work heart and soul for 
a good position, whether in the Capitol or for capital, 
is not apt to develop brain fever after he is appointed. 

Money makes the mare go, but the ponies make the 
money go. 

24 



B U B B 



Sometimes I am inclined to believe that it is not the 
steam-drill and the dynamite which blast the hole-in-the- 
ground for the new skyscraper — but the sunny Italian 
perfume of the laborers' garlic, getting in its fine work ! 

Any man who can convince the home-town and pre- 
serve his sense of humor and individuality is indeed a 
genius. 

Wedding gifts are a form of war-time loot not worth 
the hardships and heartaches of the campaign: such 
uncertain profits at best. Who can cite from his own ex- 
perience of ever receiving as much in value from the 
memory-gift friends as he has given, in his day? Such 
acres of glass — cut in its expense, instead of expanse. 
Such soup ladles in platoons, with oyster forks in scores 
for harpooning of noodles! And only this for the agony 
of a church inquisition, more terrible to the unhappy 
wretch of a groom than the tortures of the Indian 
captors of eld. The soul freezes at the thought of such 
bargaining! 

It's easier to teach a baby to talk than to keep some 
mothers from over-exertion in that line. 

25 



B U B B 



Being too damned ignorant to know when he is de- 
feated has won many a man the laurel of victory. 

No charity without great emolument thereunto apper- 
taining. 

What more beautiful sight than that of a supposedly 
clean girl fondling and kissing a slobbering dog, which 
she carries in her arms along Broadway with all the 
maternal pride of a mother with her first-born. 

Every wild-eyed reformer of our sinful town throws 
the gospel gaff into the "man with the money bags." 
Likewise socialists, the anarchists, the muck-rakers and 
the otherwise peeved — all vent their sarcasm upon the 
unfortunate who can sign his check for amounts of six 
figures. 

But, remember — he seldom gets what he pays for! 

It's his bank roll that gives us poor devils a chance for 
our wits. (Yes, brother — just what you mean!) 

One hour's sleep after nine a. m. is better than six 
before two a. m. 

One eye witness is better than ten hearsays, but fall- 
ing of the keynote is a terrible strain on the optic nerve. 

26 



B U B B 



You see daily accounts of little children, parents, 
policemen and heroic rescuers paying the penalty for 
that selfish degeneracy which maintains dogs in a city 
too overcrowded with humans to permit space for 
animals who give nothing but continual nerve-strain 
germs, vermin and rabies! Every dog, whether in leash 
or at large, in the city, is a potential murderer, for, 
according to recent theories, rabies is not the direct re- 
sult of hot weather, but liable the year round. Why 
can't we have a ''Humane Society for Humans,*' to pro- 
tect ourselves against the filthy and dangerous captivity 
of these animals in the congested city? 

Heard in the advertising office of one of our biggest 
department stores the other day: 

Manager of the jewelry department: "Here, Mr. 
Hautayer, is my dope for the Sunday spread. These 
$3.50 brocade bags will sell at the regular price — but 
you had better mark them Valued at $5.00.' Eh?" 

The advertising genius: ''Hell! Let's be generous 
— ril make the value $7.00 — it's the only way we get the 
women." 

Then as he turned to the scribe he said: "Believe 
me, it's the way every store in town sells its stock — and 
they want to vote and run the government!" 

27 



B U B B 



In every paper and magazine you find repeated for 
the steenth million time the '^language of flowers." 
Since the high cost of living has been invented it is 
much more aristocratic and regardless of expense to ex- 
press your innermost thoughts and secret yearnings 
through the medium of the cuisine; bashful maids, tem- 
peramental wifies, and even ambitious cook-ladies may 
give vent to their romance according to the following 
patented system devised after years of research among 
the best family refrigerators in New York: 

Onions: I love you for your gentle modesty. 

Cucumbers: You are beautiful, but are you good? 

Bie Cheese: Faithful unto death. 

Stewed tripe: Your splendor dazzles me. 

Canned lobster : I cannot trust you with other women. 

Pickled pig's feet: Coquette^ — beware! 

Rarebit : My thought by day, my dream by night. 

German fried potatoes: Yes. 

French fried potatoes: No. 

Gefullte fish : How much are you worth ? 

Motsos: You are not rich enough. 

Tobasco sauce: I don't mean what you mean. 

Mushrooms: I love you but not your money. 

Coffee: Meet me by the old mill. 

Hash : You mystify me. ' 

28 



B U B B 



Cloves: Lips that touch wine shall never touch mine. 

Sausage: You have deceived me. 

Calves' brains: You are a clever chap. Has the 
taxi arrived? 

Tenderloin : Stop stuffing me ! 

Prunes: Could you live happily but inexpensively? 

Sauerkraut: You are beautiful in your innocence. 

Corned beef and cabbage: You will regret your 
cruelty. 

Oyster cocktail: I love another. 

Mince pie: All is over between us. 

Lamb fries: My future happiness is blasted. 

Garlic: Gone, but not forgotten! 

Cold tongue: You love another. 

Dill pickle: My heart bursts with love. 

Brussels sprouts: I can not wed until I divorce my 
husband. 

Vinegar dressing: You are too fresh. 

Mock turtle: Tis false. 

Limburger: Your love has long been dead. 

Griddle cakes : I will share your breakfast forever. 

^* ^* 

If the doctor's bills were paid there would be nothing 
left for the undertakers — except twenty-four hours' 
work a day! 

29 



B U B B 



"Yes, he's a hamfat actor, nothing more; though 
things were different in the days of yore. Just see the 
dents upon that ancient hat. Gosh, what a very funny 
old cravat! That noes gay in that weather stained lapel; 
my, what a tale of trudge those shoe holes spell! 

"That battered cane well mates the fur-coat thin; a 
very antique one he must have been? 

"The juveniles and chorus men all smile upon these 
musty vintage marks of style. 

"How often we have noticed that old face along the 
Broad White Way these years apace; the figure seems 
the same, his face as well. And yet the deepening 
shadows somehow tell that twilight lowers 'round a 
soul in thrall; a weather beaten Thespian — that's all! 

"A hard-luck-wearied actor man he is. For banquet 
boards the free stands are his. 

"In vain he haunts the booking office door for con- 
tracts which will show his name no more. Yet time 
there was in Drama's bygone days when all the critics 
showered him with praise — those cold and stiffened 
hands were fair and strong; how eloquent they were in 
classic song! Those twitching lips once made the 
thousands cheer in days when audiences loved Shakes- 
peare ! 

"He fired the throngs with tragic Muse's spark I'n 

30 



B U B B 



theatres these twenty years gone dark. 

"His treasure now are clippings sere and torn. 

"How he exists is mystery. Forlorn — passe — he waits 
his final curtain call. 

"An actor of the Real Old School. 

That's all!" 

Pinochle: a small collection of pastboard cards en- 
tirely surrounded by Dutch — and lager! 

Spring showers on Broadway show more visible 
means of support than the umbrella manufacturers' 
goods. Showers of blessings! 

If most young Actresses spent as much brainwork 
studying their parts and giving their managers and 
audiences their money's worth, as they do trying to get 
free suppers and automobile rides, they would be able 
to drive automobiles of their own! 

A man is just as wise as his wife permits him to be. 
A woman is just as wise as her husband isn't. 

They do say that Broadway gets so deserted on Yom 
Kippur that street cars lose their way! 

31 



B U B B 



The great immeasureable, everlasting sea! 

And yet, man has bridged it with wireless trickeries, 
has subwayed it with his cables, has made week-ends 
on it in his Mauretanias and Olympics. 

He bobs about on it in a tiny sailboat; he buffets the 
swells in a frail canoe; he battles its breakers with his 
bare body. 

The mountains — stern, frowning, acrid, immutable — 
not even the seas make them vibrate — the giant glaciers 
slide by them into the vales. 

Man's only chance at distinction with a mountain is 
to climb it. If he builds a house upon it, a hurricane 
sweeps it away or an avalanche slaps him off; if he tun- 
nel it, the inevitable cave-in some day, though mayhap 
lon^, delayed; if he cuts down the trees, it is his own 
loss, for the giant's teeth are bared, and the freshets, 
uncontrolled, beat their destructive torrents against the 
villages, the bridges, the farm lands. 

Which explains why ye Scribe, being a peaceful soul, 
prefers the throbbing, ever-changing yet sympathetic sea 
to the static grandeur of everlasting hills! 

Marry in haste if you want to take your leisure. 

He who waits to laugh last is apt to forget how, 

32 



B U B B 



June — the month for joke-smiths, who unlock the 
rusty treasure chests for old note-books, to scan the list 
of vernal possibilities! 

First they note the jottings under the list of *'brides." 
And our dreams must pay the forfeit for their merciless 
cynicism. 

Then comes the ''graduates" — and Laws a-mercy! 
College education and even high school work seem the 
biggest farces of modern times. 

''Spoony couples,*' — another department to receive at- 
tention from the scathing pens, while "country board- 
ing," "ocean trips," and the "briny beaches" are cruelly 
wiped off the list of delectables. 

Just as the parsons pulpitate during the winter season, 
so do the merry-merry humorists hand the joy of life 
a dozen black eyes and many stone bruises when sum- 
mer buds forth! 

Curious, isn't it, what eternal fools we mortals be? 
For the June brides still blush happily and not in 
absolute solitude; the colleges hand out diplomas and 
the grads go forth as joyously; spooning remains a 
prince of out-door sports; the country takes on its urban 
population; the ocean continues to roll against populous 
beaches, and to bob contented cargoes in dories and 
Lusitanias upon the bounding main, while even straw- 

^3 



B U B B 



berry ice-cream resists the onslaughts of the dragon 
Humor. 

Something must be wrong with the world — for the 
cussed thing still goes on! And the humorists have a 
helova time collecting their checks! 

^ t^ 

It must needs be a tangled-up jangled-down soul — a 
man of genius — to understand just what the snarls in 
the life skeins mean — to straighten them out for the 
common herd: with a poem, a painting, a prize song, 
or a patent egg-beater. And anyway, youVe got to have 
tangles in this life to have knots — matrimonial or other- 
wise. Who the dickens ever cared for the straight rope, 
except the hangman? And he needs a noose at that, to 
put a moral on his story. 

With each decision of the United States Supreme 
Court the American people realize what a mainstay to 
justice, clarity and betterment that highly paid and un- 
assailable body is. The trusts are especially impressed 
when the quality of justice is so finely drawn. 

«^ «pi» 

Never fall out with your bread and butter; if you do 
tumble, choose a water wagon and not a baker*s cart ! 

34 



B U B B 



Care killed a cat, which served the cat right for hav- 
ing to be careful. 

Procrastination makes time charming. 

Any fool can earn money: it takes a genius to get 
it otherwise, without offending the District Attorney or 
Anthony Comstock. 

Its a poor con that does nobody good. 

A cat may look at a King but has too darned much 
sense to attend a coronation. 

The statesman who wishes to live above suspicion now 
must save his salary, buy the Woolworth Building and 
dwell on the top floor! 

Philosophy is an antique family recipe which tempor- 
arily deadens our sense of sympathy for others until 
some one steps on our corns. Then philosophy becomes 
stale, and profanity is used as an antidote. 

Better to be a large pond with small frogs than a small 
with large. 

35 



B U B B 



A good lawyer is not a man who knows what is lawful, 
but he who can tell how to act unlawfully without being 
sent to the pen. 

There is such a thing as rising so early that you are 
exhausted by the time business hours begin. 

When a woman explains her reasons for saying *'no" 
it is time to interpret it as *'yes." 

Conceit — another man's attitude towards what in 
ourselves is self respect. 

i^ (^ 

If Mahomet will not go to the mountain, dynamite 
the damn thing! 

Many a poor boob can give lessons to famous 
philosophers. 

Smiling is a contagion for which we want no anti- 
dote. 

A habitual offender is the least forgiving. 

3G 



B U B B L 



The Board of Visitors have left us. 

Spending a few weeks here, with great tales of the 
provincial glory, they drink in our impoverished local 
offerings with scornful yet eager acceptivity. 

After showing them the sights, from the Eden Musee 
to the Astor Roof, from Coney to Bronchial Park — for 
you know our visitors always have neat lists made out 
in advance of just what we may buy tickets for — we 
escort them to the railroad depot to bid them godspeed 
on the welcome homeward journey. 

"New York is all right for people who like this cheap 
tinsel — gaudy clothes — noisy, lewd shows — this un- 
natural form of life — but there is no sincerity here — no 
generosity — no humanity — no true love," declare the 
country cousins, as the clarion-voiced announcer be- 
speaks the advantages of Track Number Four. 

"New York has no refinement — it is a vampire — suck- 
ing its great wealth by trickery — by piracy from the 
honest, hard-working part of the country — it does not 
satisfy," continue the cousins, with one voice. 

"New York is all right to visit, but not to live in," 
say they. 

Echo we: "Yea, verily!" 

For we who live here pay the fiddler for those who 
visit. 

37 



B U B B 



The visitors attend the lewd shows, and applaud the 
hardest — while we pay for their seats, their dinners, 
their carfare. It is Axiom I of out-of-town visitors 
that to pay for anything is a social error. They 
make possible the gaudy restaurants, they spoil our 
servants, ruin our hotels by their peanut-sportiness, and 
whenever they hunt our city their prime purpose is to 
find vent for the tendencies which must be curbed in 
the Old Town. Hence the Tenderloin! 

And when the train pulls out, we shove our limp 
fingers into our empty pockets in search of a nickel for 
the lonesome ride back home, — realizing the truth : for 
we are pirates, have no generosity, no true friendship — 
no ideals! It's a Hell of a Town to live in! 

When a chap, who has been used to the best things of 
life is cold and hungry and broke and wanders afoot 
through the crowded New York streets for hours, and 
hours, and hours. . . .there grows within his heart a new 
philosophy of life which is as ancient as the first great 
labor quarrel between the brothers in Eden ! 

Virtue is sometimes more a matter of location than 
inclination. Modesty is ofttimes an instinctive know- 
ledge of defects to be concealed. 

88 



B U B B 



Many literary geniuses are too artistic to associate 
with the cashier's desk in a Chinese laundry. 

At the Rink: Reggie, and Bobbie, and Billy and I, 
we all of us love to skate, with Martha, and Mabel, and 
Majorie, but none of us cares for Kate. She weighs 
more than all the whole bunch as she maketh your 
ankle bones crunch. Her right foot ne'er knows where 
her left one, would go, but she surely can manage a 
jiu-jitsu throw, as she brings down the game with a 
ban^. 

^* <^ 

Lady Reader: Are you the one per cent, of street 
car riders who thank men for standing to give you their 
seats? The Philosopher has received three thanks in 
the last four months, and, honest Injun, he has tried 
awfully hard! 

Muddy streets have given many a hard rascal a 
glimpse of heaven! 

Most women of the upper classes are bitterly opposed 
to intemperance because it interferes with the earning 
power of their husbands, brothers and fiances. 

39 



B U B B 



An energetic acquaintance dashed into my Sanctum 
with a rush of words to the tongue. He denounced a 
dreamful friend. "I tell you he's a dope. He ought to 
get down to hard tacks like me, and get a job with a big 
corporation and work up. Dreams and schemes don't 
pay in this world." Then quoth ye Scribe in a low, 
flute-like voice: "Misguided youth, they need a blue- 
print before they can build a railroad bridge, a sausage 
factory or an adding machine ! Hike thee to the Patent 
Office, the Stock Exchange, the Hospital, the Subway, 
to behold a million dreams come true. The trouble 
with you materialists — a lot of perfectly good stone- 
crackers spoiled by education — is that when you are 
asleep you think you only are awake; that when you 
wake up, you find that you have fancied you were 
asleep, and that you are still slumbering. Dreams of the 
right sort are the best paying stocks on Wall Street — 
even though they are not listed!" 

And then a clever young feller arose and remarked: 
"Sing a song of delegates pickled to the ears, trooping 
to Chicago town to peddle votes and cheers; When the 
meeting's over, they've earned the gas and rent Isn't 
that a noble way to pick a President?" 

49 



B U B B 



A commercial traveler without a little red book is in 
worse form than the milliner with a wooden leg! 

Why is it that every day we read in the paper of fresh 
pardons of absconding bankers, life-sentence murders, 
and other daring spirits of kindred talents? Is the world 
getting so much better that the crook can do no wrong? 

One cheering sign at Christmas tide proves that all 
is not rotten with the world even yet, despite our tal- 
ented muckrakers and flutevoiced clergymen: the toy 
departments of the great stores are more crowded than 
the jewelry aisles. And as for the trade in canary 
birds: gosh! You*d hardly know how much poetry there 
was in the souls of fat old men, attenuated spinstresses, 
salesladies and gorilla-faced floor walkers until you 
spent an hour or two trying to pick out a thriller of 
fluffy yellow joy! 

Hansom is as hansom does: that is why the taxicab 
is taking its place. 

^* ^» 

At the banquet board of life some people never get 
past the fish course, and others gobble so greedily that 
they don't leave us a single society spot for the waiters. 

41 



B U B B 



"Friends, old friends!" 

The theme of the poet, the novelist, the dramatist, 
the idealist! 

And yet did you ever analyze some of the types you 
have right on your own memory pages? 

There's Jim. He is busy, successful, and every time 
he meets you he tells how many thousand he is to make 
by the deal coming next week. Jim lets you pay for his 
drink, and then remembers that he is ten minutes late 
for a meeting with a millionaire from Pittsburgh. He 
never lets you in on his success, either ! 

And Bob: he borrows money in little bunches that 
you are ashamed to admit put a crimp in your lunch. 
When you ask him for a rebate he genially assures you 
that you don't need it as much as he does. So he in- 
vites you to a smoker that a friend of a friend of his is 
going to give the following Tuesday. 

Which reminds you of Fred: he was your boon pal 
during the good old days when you both walked to the 
Svaiaort that you might afford the tip to the hat man and 
not have to walk home from the dance — in the panicky 
times. And now that you are steaming up a bit, Ned 
can't see you. He has a grouch on the world. He ad- 
vises you to cut down your expenses, to drop out of 
your ciuos, ana though he knows every blessed thing 

42 



B U B B 



you do, never a word of cheer from him; he's wise! 

Then consider Bill. You have staked him when you 
needed it yourself. You have introduced him to all your 
best girls and you sang his praises to each one for you 
surely counted on Bill. And while you are gone back 
in the village settling affairs for the old folks, Bill gets 
in his fine work; he double crosses the doors of the 
dear old gals, he poisons the boss's mind because he 
wants your job himself, and you come back and stake 
him again — until you find that the world isn't like it used 
to been! 

Friends, old friends: they change with the seasons, 
they kick you when you're down, and they load their 
popguns with muck when you're on a higher path; they 
steal your sweethearts and would hock your life work if 
a pawnbroker would produce the kale. They sneer at 
your ambitions while pretending to boost your efforts. 
They hate you in their hearts for you've shown them the 
tricks of your trade. Not worth the bother and the 
heart-aches — friends, — are they? 

But say! You plumb forgot Pete! 

That derned galoot with the crinkly grin and the 
fond old eyes that have always smiled even when you 
played "friend" like the others, with him occasionally! 
Pete, who has always laughed at your jokes and told you 

43 



B U B B 



a dozen damned lies a day, to convince you how good 
you were — and you loved him for the honest-hearted 
deceit. How he cheered you, and roasted you, and 
deviled you and staked you, and took the blame a lot. 
Old Pete wasn't keen on Browning and Nietsche and 
Wagner — preferred stogies to art galleries, and beer to 
grape symphonies. But, Pete was there when the storm 
flag fluttered on the peak, wasn't he? And say, we've 
all got a pal like Pete on the list, haven't we? Thank 
God for that! 

When you finally land up with the gate-receipts 
worrying the cashier and the safe deposit manager, 
how the bees buzz about the honey, talking about *'old 
friends." Jim forgets his own profits, and throws you 
a chance. Bob pays back what he owes you because 
you don't need it now. Bill reassures you of undying 
admiration, and so it goes — except with Pete who is 
embarrassed, afraid to intrude now, and even stammers 
with his congratulations. 

He actually imagines that he does't belong in the 
parade any longer. 

But list you ! It doesn't take an X-ray machine on the 
dope sheet to learn that Pete is the hundred to one 
shot that puts past performances of the others on the 
broken slates under the grandstand! Eh, Bo? 

44 



B U B B 



Certain saffron journals howl lustily about Child 
Labor. Yet we notice little tots selling their papers on 
the streets at three and four in the morning, in the 
highly educational precincts of the Late White Way. 
Perhaps it looks bad for us to be out at such hours, but 
we have the excuse of Midnight Oil. But, why don't the 
zealous City Fathers pass a regulation to forbid child 
peddlers on the streets after ten in the evening? 

If men or women are so incapable of self-support 
that their five and ten year olders must work to fill the 
larder and pay the rent, theirs is no family; the little 
ones should be supported and educated decently by the 
State, and such parents should be relegated to poor- 
houses, hospitals or penal institutions — preferably the 
latter! 

If advertised collars make the wearer look like the 
gents in the lithographs, give, oh, give me a red bandana 
handkerchief — cowboy fashion! 

Who would want to go around with a suit which 
"wears like iron?" 

The height of insult: to ask a chorus girl if she sings, 

45 



B U B B 



The First Wise Man worked eighteen hours a day, 
defrauded his friends, cheated his partner out of a wife, 
cornered a great natural product, killed ten thousand 
babies in two months, landed his million and retired to 
a Villa at Newport. 

The Second Wise Man cultivated patriotism and a 
silver tongue, married a Senator's daughter, went on the 
Cabinet, sold out a Territory and wrecked a thousand 
homes, then bought knee breeches for the Court of St. 
James, and his skinny daughter married a belted Earl. 

The Third Wise Man bought a farm and raised chick- 
ens and hollyhocks, rode horseback four hours a day, 
fished two hours, and had to turn the summer kitchen 
into a library for all the books he bought — and wrote. 
And then he married a girl who had a positive genius 
for blackberry pie and kisses. 1 wonder! 

When a press agent of a musical beauty-show heralds 
the tidings that the bewitching company carries seventy- 
five trunks and nineteen suit cases, you can't keep 
women away from it. 

But when an announcement is made that the ward- 
robe is carried in one suit case, and a jewel safe, the 
cigar stores, baseball stands, corner saloons, and other 
masculine banking centers lose money! 

46 



B U B B 



Breakfast tea — a concoction from herbs sipped in 
the afternoon. 

Cambric tea — a small portion of liquid entirely sur- 
rounded by water. 

Inebriety — a wholesale portion of alcohol tempor- 
arily surrounded by a petitioner to the Keeley Cure. 

Studio tea — certain small dabs of color entirely sur- 
rounded by solid ivory and rouge, with patchouli and 
turpentine on the side. 

Golf tee — a small chunk of mud entirely surrounded 
by profanitee. 

Repartee — two half portions of wit, washed away in 
an avalanche of conceit. 

A woman loves a man for the boy-spirit which is in 
him; she loves him out of pity when it dies. 

Did you ever notice that the dog with the artistic 
gold collar seldom wins the scrap? 

It is the truly clever lassie who can make a laddie 
think himself cleverer than she! We have met several 
— to realize our error on the long, dark journey home- 
wards ! 

47 



B U B B 



Why doesn't Anthony Comstock pinch the Bronx Zoo 
for exhibiting garter snakes with naked eyes? 

Full many a damsel hides her intellectual light un- 
der a bushel basket of artifical curls. 

Breaking an engagement: (1) Showing him that 
there are other fellows who buy theatre tickets; (2) 
Letting her down easy when the watch is already 
hocked; (3) Permanently selling short on alimony! 

Who fill the asylums and society columns in the 
Sunday Papers? Nuts, my dear! 

A little maudlin sentiment in real life makes the 
world go 'round! 

Did you ever notice a girl who raved over horses 
enthuse over baby clothes? 

Why is it that the better you like a girl the bigger hat 
she wears with which to poke out your eyes? 

A chorus girl paid her board bill, on Forty-fifth Street, 
fO 'tis said. 

48 



B U B B 



It's very fine and comfy to be the biggest frog in the 
nice little pond — until dry weather comes! Some of us 
need more space, want better chances, are not afraid of 
worry and work, and we do love to swim in deep water. 
Our big pond is "NEW YORK." 

«^ t^ 

If the Broadway producing managers put as much 
effort and money into the details of their shows as do 
the Moving Picture Directors for a programme of five 
picture-reels, there would be fewer failures. 

Did you ever notice that the nations and members of 
certain religions who are devoutly dutiful to their par- 
ents prosper beyond all others in this world's goods? 

It was the vote of the negro delegates to a recent 
Methodist Conference which kept dancing, theatre at- 
tendance, card-playing on the list of wickedness: I 
noticed that chicken stealing and crap-shooting, as well 
as assaults on white women were not discussed by the 
chocolate-colored evangelists ! 

If there were more tight-wads before marriage, there 
would be fewer gentlemen friends afterward. 

49 



B U B B 



Was it not Solomon of connubial repute who re- 
marked as he took out the four hundred and seventh 
wedding certificate from the Jerusalem City Clerk's 
office, ''Variety is the spice of wife?" 

Is there anything sadder at the seashore than the 
Monday morning breakfast, as the gentle rain falleth 
from Heav'n and the sad-eyed business man concen- 
trates his cerebral functions upon the notes, bills, suits, 
strikes, bankruptcies and other joys of urban activity 
beckoning to him as he runs for the train, while the 
waitress enters the dining-room with the belated ham 
and eggs? Answer cometh not, while the breakers 
moan in sympathy. 

If the early bird had overslept he would not have been 
huUg, for murdering a ninnocent worm. 

From where do all the fat matrons come — those 
plenilunes of hyper-efflorescence who "man" the suffra- 
gette squadron of the rocking chair fleet at the seashore 
hotels? 

50 



BUBBLES 

The adding machine was just as inevitable as the 
Emancipation Proclamation: it was just as joy-giving. 

Some dreamer, inspired by the pangs of a million 
sufferers, twisted it from the network of the intangible 
in order to give poor souls a breathing spell or two 
from the cruelty of numbers, while their fingers danced 
to the tune of Pan. 

Adding was always intended for machinery. 

Old Pan and his ladifriend. Dame Nature, never 
bother themselves over that particular process — their 
operations are confined to the multiplication table. 

I never yet met a single good addist who could stick 
his nose into the fresh grass of a Spnng meadow and 
calculate the number of souls who were sprouting forth 
again in the aromatic shoots. But give a real, lazi- 
ferous, accomplished dreamer a chance: he can 
describe them all to you by the hour; that is, if you 
have no time clock handy to take his mind off his busi- 
ness. 

Adding — hell ! 

I'd rather know how to subtract all the joy from life, 
and multiply the love in it, leaving the numerical 
huskings to the mathematical minds. 

That's more to their taste. That's what they deserve ! 

51 



B U B B 



Life is a series of just-happened-sos. 

Yet they seem inevitables, as a fellow reverts to his 
mental diary. So it is with the truest form of an art 
creation. Stop, look, and listen — and you'll decide 
that the track of its evolution is destined with cold steel- 
rail accuracy from the nativity of time ! 

But the sweetest song — the saddest poem — the great- 
est symphony — the maddest love ballad — the deepest 
picture — may have all depended on the kisses of the 
night before or the sausage on the morning after. 

So why scorn love or pork? 

Did you ever use a stop watch while waiting at the 
telephone for a woman to answer? She takes twice as 
much time as a man. Does she stop to curl her hair? 

Better to have loved and lost two dozen than to have 
loved but one and married! 

A good hunch is more to be esteemed than great 
riches and a boob cerebral endowment, when it cometh 
to the mad chase for that bubble on the sea. Pleasure. 

Are butterflies the souls of tear-soaked, torn-up love 
letters? 

52 



B U B B 



It's never too late to learn about women from "her," 
but post-graduate degrees are expensive. 

The only real white hope : the Broadway chorus man. 

Some day a dressmaker will make a fortune by estab- 
lishing a rescue service for successful literary women. 
Why do temperament and incurable dowdiness go hand 
in hand to Parnassus? 

Many a woman who is too weak to lift her own 
baby will carry a greyhound a block down Fifth Avenue, 
to keep him from being bitten by a small yellow mut. 

They condemn jealously wrongly. It is an indica- 
tion of a certain lack of conceit — it is the admission by 
the jealous-or that other pebbles may be found upon the 
same beach, and it gives to the jealous-ee the knowledge 
that the party of the first part is not absolutely certain 
of ownership. What can be more valuable as a per- 
suasive lever than this same comforting information? 

The blind man's wife needs no make-up, unless he's 
crippled as well. 

One touch of powder makes the whole sex kin. 

53 



B U B B 



Why is it that one can always tell a mandolin player 
from the way he wears his hair? 

They tell me that the ideal law school cultivates the 
"legal mind" of the student. Evidently the delay which 
he meets in the first few years after graduation is due 
to the fact that he must cultivate his ''illegal mind" be- 
fore success is reachable! 

If all the dogs and cats in New York City had to be 
sacrificed for experimental purposes in hospitals and 
medical schools to save the life of one sweet little lov- 
able baby or one suffering mother, it would be a very, 
very, very good bargain. 

Strange, isn*t it, that the women who are so rabidly 
enthusiastic over the protection and exploitation of 
animals are the kind who call their husbands (if any) 
by their last names, and can't endure children? 

Any good-looking woman who can escape the scandal 
of an August hotel piazza should begin posing for the 
stained glass window artist before it is too late ! 

It's never too much trouble if it's worth while. 

54 



B U B B 



Twinkle, twinkle, thespic stars. 
Draping o'er the hotel bars. 
Cussing luck, and seasons bum. 
Hopeful still for times to come. 
Happy New Year, anyway ! 
May you yet own Old Broadway! 
May you twinkle in the lights 
And the lobbies, years of nights! 

It's hard work to work for a living; it's the hardest 
work to get a living without working for it. 

If the Department of Agriculture spent a few mil- 
lions less for one year in its investigation of the social 
mannerisms of the lightning bug and the alfalfa butter- 
fly, to allow some additional dollars to go toward safety 
inspection and improvements in the coal mines, we 
might have less statistics and a few more living workers 
by the end of the coming fiscal year! 

Women get off a car backward because men advise 
against it. They also buy "bargains." 

Every evening meal is a Monkey Dinner in some of 
our best society homes! 

55 



BUB B 



Treasure of wickedness profit nothing, but a healthy 
bank account hath a first lien on righteousness. Clean 
hands, a white collar and a well pressed suit with to.^s 
comfortably concealed from the gaze of the vulgar, a hat 
well balanced over the cerebral centres and a nervy 
smile go much toward conquering false friends, cussed- 
ness and the misfortunes of mundanity. 

The soul of the sluggard desireth and hath nothing. 
But he who useth a boat hook, dynamite and an indis- 
suadable persuasiveness landeth the cherry that bobbeth 
from the topmost bough of the tree. 

It is not half foolish to remember that the present 
minute is only sixty seconds in length; many people 
are minute-wise and hour foolish. 

He that goeth into his neighbor's house to stop a fam- 
ily quarrel had best notify his life insurance company 
first. 

The one thing worse than notoriety — being a nonent- 
ity! 

O Wealth ! Where is thy sting? 

56 



B U B B 



The truest autobiography may be found in the imper- 
sonal works of a poet, a painter, a composer, or an 
author. The capital "V is not necessary for readers 
whose eyes can pierce beneath the surface of things. 
His so-called autobiography is in reality only a pen por- 
trait of himself as he wishes the world to see him. He 
is apt to have his persoective a little bit twisted. 

The men who have carved their initials in the World's 
Hall of Fame have preferred capital ''I" to ''U" — they 
consulted themselves instead of the other fellow in big 
and little crisis; that's why the initials have stayed put. 

Cynicism is very often the pose of a perfectly good 
man or woman who reads too many novels. 

In this day of scientific miracles the only kind of pre- 
dictions we can believe in are the incredible ones. 

Blest be the cuss who devised the dress suit. Its 
potent magic can make even a New York society man 
look almost refined. 

Many a girl is reported engaged where it's merely a 
skirmish, 

67 



B U B B 



What's that? 

You'd like to become a great theatrical manager, and 
ain't got no ejjication nor money nor brains? 

Ah, my poor boy, cheer up! 

Here is the secret — in one lesson, and several thus- 
lies : 

Hist! 

First, buy a ninety-horse-power bubble. You won't 
have to pay for it — managers are immune. Charge it to 
your temperament account. 

Second, hike for Europe. Buy about three hundred 
manuscripts from the second-hand shops on the Bois 
Boulogne and Threadneedle Street and bring them back. 
Have them translated and adapted for you by the stew- 
ards on the way over. This saves time and money. You 
may pay them in passes. 

Third, call in the newspapers, and feed the gentle- 
faced reporters stage champagne as you unfold your 
secret plans on manifold flimsy sheets. Announce two 
hundred new productions in at least seventy cities. 
Name thirty new stars every season. Electric lights are 
cheap — the bill may be charged to the cigar stores at 
the corner of the theatres. 

Fourth, decide on your casts. Take down the appli- 
cation book and go through it. Turn first to the heroine 

58 



B U B B 



page and pick out for each a good, bad, popular young 
is known throughout every barber shop in the land. Ex- 
pense is no object in this matter, for you will of course 
use duplicate contracts, each annulling the other one. 

Fifthly, go down the list of leading men. Don't both- 
er with the names — turn to the right side of the pages 
where the weekly rates are — be economical. Take the 
$35 men in preference to the higher figures. Follow 
this system throughout, for no one is of importance ex- 
cept the star. 

Now, sixth. Remember, the more your press agents 
can imagine the better. Never let the public learn 
the fatal truth that theatrical men and women are de- 
cent at heart and better than a great many of the 
hopelessly good bourgeois of private life. Get pub- 
licity at any cost, except money! Never let the criticism 
be written up later than a week before the show. Re- 
member you need it for the three sheets of the premiere. 

Seventh. Now that the show is to appear in a week, 
begin rehearsals, although these are really a waste of 
foot-light bills. Attend one rehearsal at the Hobblede- 
hoy Theatre at 10 a. m.; haste thee to the Gargoyle 
Theatre at 10:10. Make thirty-one shows before three 
o'clock. Never let a single one escape the touch of 



59 



B U B B 



your genius, and above all insist on changing the busi- 
ness as planned by the authors and directors. Remem- 
ber that you know more about it all than they ever 
forgot, for you are the Wellington of the dramatic 
Waterloo. 

Eighth, skipping the first night, you must never give 
passes to any theatrical or newspaper people. Remem- 
ber the cigar stores and the panhandlers will pay half 
price for all paper. 

Ninth and last. When all the shows have failed, 
for the season, take supplementary proceedings; then 
collect from your treasurers over the country; send 
parting telegrams to your scattered stars, and take pas- 
sage for Europe to plan the next season. 

Thus you see how modern drammer grows beneath 
your nimble hammer, and despite the public's hollers 
you will reap the ripened dollars! 

Then, on with the Volume; let Joy be as refined as 
possible, in this Golden Age of Cabarets and College 
Education, Turkey Trots and Societies for the Suppres- 
sion of Vice! 

Don't spend seventy-five cents until you know where 
a dollar and thirty cents is coming from. 

60 



B U B B 



A married friend of mine is very, very happy. When 
I asked him the other day for his secret his eyes be- 
came dreamy and he led me to a secluded nook where 
over the doubly translucent depths of two mint juleps 
he £,ave expression to the following confession in a still, 
small voice : 

"My first secret of marital bliss is that I live in a neigh- 
borhood where my wife can always shine out — a tiny 
but happy bit — more than the neighbors* wives! 

*'I couldn't afford a motor car. So we spend the sum- 
mers in a hand-tooled bungalow on an island in a rock- 
bound harbor, where the only rapid transit is a dory. 

*The job of boss was crossed off my list with about 
seven seconds after the happy dictum of the dominie; 
wifey can choose either red or green stamps, as her 
taste dictates. 

''When I must verbally admire some women in order 
to keep up milady's interest, I always pick out a bromide 
who is several shades to the less as compared with 
wifey. She only pities my bad taste, and loves me for 
my near-sightedness: unhappy men, try it. 

"I know a great many charming chaps, witty ras- 
cals, rougish pals, but I don't bring them around the 
family fireside. 

"It is the dubs who succeed as salesmen for flour and 

61 



B U B B 



the bookworms who prefer first editions to broilers de 
luxe, the talkative, well-meaning bores, the men with 
their own stories to tell, whom I bring around; the re- 
action of my own attempts to sparkle after they leave 
is appreciated wonderfully. 

'A dangerous thing is to object to high-seasoned nov- 
els as reading matter for the idle domestic hours. In- 
stead, I find the best recourse to be a dreamful, remi- 
niscent look as I eagerly draw forth the details of the 
plots from my wife. I sigh, with the air of a lovelorn, 
disappointed youth. She is almost cured of the habit. 

"All the photos of my former sweethearts have been 
carefully preserved in neat morocco albums. These 
form interesting exhibits for my wife's afternoon tea 
parties. Needless to say I have kept good-lookers for 
this little memory gallery, even though some on the 
list happened to be the bestest best of obliging friends. 
Wifey takes a family pride in the blighted hopes. 

'*I always deliver over a certain weekly sum for the 
maintenance of food and the dress department. It's 
sure anyway that she'll need more, but this enables me 
to sigh and cross off a new suit and a pair of shoes, 
which I have listed in my little red book. 



62 



B U B B 



Incidentally, there's nothing like a pretty wife to 
late a stenographer to better work. 

"To summarize — my great underlying plan is to be a 
martyr on the small matters. When it comes to the big 
ones, if we disagree, Tm a human brute once in a while, 
and boss the ranch through the crisis. 

"It is appreciated! 

"But I apologize afterwards just the same, admitting 
I was in the wrong, and that's the reason I'm happy 
though wedded." 

Certain political leaders continue their benevolent dis- 
tribution of prison-made shoes, scrap tobacco and keg 
beer to the denizens of their feudal fastnesses. Rude 
critics have more than once been so libellous as to 
claim that the price for this regal generosity came from 
the night-wages of the unfortunate girls of those same 
districts. A bucket of coal, an occasional turkey and 
a beer night for the old man seem rather good invest- 
ments in these days of high bounty on shame. 

The artist is the man who can capture the butterflies 
of his own soul-garden, stick pins through them and put 
them into boxes for the visitors to the museum. 

68 



B U B B 



The sudden development of White House clemency 
for C. W. Morse, late of Atlanta (whose miraculous re- 
covery astounded his personal physician), brought joy 
to the hearts of thousands in the financial district. It 
should increase the generosity of those gilded humani- 
tarians who could help the campaign funds: 

As the w. k. bard of Avon might have remarked: 

"The quality of mercy is not strained. 

It is twice blest. It sootheth as the gentle kiss 

From Washington ; it soundeth like the clink 

Of thousandfold cesterces in the offertory plate. 

Campaign committeemen march down the vaulted 
aisles 

Of the G. O. P. cathedral. Then dulcet-voiced post- 
masters 

And other sweet-faced gobblers of good jobs do bow 

And chant the name of One — the Huge Omnivorous 
One— 

Who breaketh bread and suppeth every hour or two. 

Yea, verily, this gladsome mercy spreadeth out betimes 

Just like molasses on a July noon ; 

The labor-leaders who were chastened by stern courts 

Are slapped upon their hairy wrists, and told to sin 

No more! Trust leaders are well chided, but not 
jailed ! 

64 



B U B B 



Behold, the land is full of love, fraternal, vital, strong! 
Election time approacheth. And the King can do no 
wrong ! 

The most difficult part of a drinking song, for a real 
New Yorker is the refrain. 

^* ^» 

Abou Ben Adhem's name led all the rest because the 
angels has a card index system and arranged them alpha- 
betically. 

Every day in the week is Thirst Day for some Broad- 
way actors. 

A Parisian Count : un, deux, trois. 

The only way to make both ends meet nowadays seems 
to be becoming a contortionist. 

When lemon juice will not remove stains from the 
hands, try soap. 

A play is like a cigar — if it's good everyone wants a 
box; if it's bad you can puff as hard as you will and 
then it won't draw. 

65 



B U B B 



America for Americans: A distinguished American 
scholar recognized throughout the world for his histori- 
cal works, must apologize to Hungarians, Italians, and 
Poles for serious writings about our own citizenship. 
Governor Wilson is trebly right in his attitude about the 
undesirability of the "meaner men'* of Southern Eu- 
rope. The curse of rotten industrial conditions, the un- 
sanitary state of our slums, the vileness of New York 
politics, the horrid trail of the vice monster. White 
Slavery, are all perquisites of this scum-laden class of 
emigrants. For one good new-comer in recent decades 
we have been damned with a hundred of the vile. 
Americans must unite to close the foolishly hospitable 
portals of our harbor to the diseased, immoral and un- 
clean off-scourings of other lands. After hundreds of 
years' endeavor we are forbidden to discuss the prob- 
lems of our own defense and the protection of our pos- 
terity, under penalty of bombs, votes, and blacklegging 
persecution. 

Many a true word said in profanity. 

Most club women deserve a club, now don't they? 

Why do we need votes as long as we can pout? 

66 



B U B B 



The Italians, having shot down all the light-houses 
within safe range, turned their characteristic bravery to 
capturing Red Crescent nurses and doctors, who do not, 
of course, carry arms, and cannot shoot back! The war 
in Tripoli demonstrates the superiority of chianti and 
macaroni over the Anglo-Saxon beef and beer, as the 
diet for heroes ! It is, however, a pity that Turkey hasn't 
a large enough supply of light-houses and doctors to 
demand a draught of troops from our richly fertilized 
Guinea district around Mulberry Bend. Let's see : about 
ten thousand Wop soldiers to one doctor or nurse — well, 
then, if they had seventeen thousand and ten in the 
ferocious medical department, we might be relieved of 
undesirable Italians in New York. Or, nearly all ! 

Hell is paved with good intentions, but who in hell 
keeps 'em? 

Sauce for the goose does not always go well with the 
broilers. 

Administrations proposes, Trusts opposes. Muck- 
rakers exposes! 

«^ «^ 

Eat, drink and get married, for to-morrow we fry I 

67 



B U B B L 



Forsooth, Horatio, these biting northern blasts along 
Broadway wax fearsome havoc on the free lunch boards 
within ! 

^* «^ 

Men only scoff at poets! 

Peddle and bargain, cheat and lie, drink and debauch 
— do aught else as you will, and the world is warm ; you 
have fellows! But dream — sweet, holy dreams, brave, 
generous dreams, and you are shunned as a leper; scoff- 
ed, spurned and of less account than the cabbage ped- 
dlers and the scavengers of the streets. 

Yet the dreams of the poet, whether his song be in 
meter, in pictures, in music, in miming, have inspired 
the greatest works in the world, and been the means of 
raising man from the level of the brute world. Poets 
bless men in return for their scorn and inspire the 
dreams which are transformed into a thousand factories 
and commercial triumphs. 

Many people place the cart before the horse — and 
spend their ducats on buzz wagons, but they eventually 
hire a mule from some farmer to tow them home. 

Most women marry out of curiosity. That's why they 
are disappointed. 

68 



B U B B 



How often do we hear a certain bespectacled Colonel 
maltreated verbally for his limelight talent, and for 
going where he is not wanted. Now truly it has been 
the Buttinskis who have moulded empires and made 
commerce what it is to-day. The Earth has kept ad- 
vancing because some unsquelchable souls have given 
it a few swift kicks on the Equator at the psychological 
moment. 

The best salesman is he who can throttle an obstinate 
customer's will power until the contracts are signed. 
It is easy enough to peddle goods or run a government 
when other men have hewn the trail through the wild- 
wood of mistrust and opposition. 

The petticoat hides a multitude of shins — for which 
relief render thanks! 

We never know the worth of water till the wagon 
has gone by! 

Charity begins at home, for it has to hide a multitude 
of sins. 

All the world loves a lover except her father. 

69 



B U B B 



''Having the vice problem well in hand" expresses 
the splendid tactical position of the New York police 
force. It pays. 

"Maid of Gotham, ere we part 
Give, oh, give me back my heart?" 
Maiden, smiling, turns away: 
"I play the game for keeps — good day!" 

An automobile covers a multitude of social and men 
tal deficiencies. 

Many a splendid truck driver has been spoiled in the 
nativity of a society "whip." 

A sarcastic friend remarks that he can not tell a 
society woman from an actress nowadays, on the street. 
Society is improving. However, it is so difficult to tell 
a millionaire from a waiter. 

It is common sense and natural for the American 
play-goer to desire shows which "end nicely." A 
fellow wants to see virtue and square-dealing triumph 
somewhere — if only in imagination or by play-acting. 
It's more certain on the stage than in real Hfe. 

70 



B U B B 



Few young men are as angelic as their fiancees be- 
lieve: few married men as devilish as their wives 
suspect. 

Love may not make the world go 'round, but it makes 
a lot of poor boobs go 'round — borrowing from their 
friends. 

Morality is another name for caution. 

You don't have to be an Olympic victor to leap from 
the water-wagon to the band-wagon in these days of 
wine, woman and song. 

Making love is a favorite game for two, but it becomes 
hard work with three taking hands. 

The chief reason so many women dislike telephoning 
is that they have to listen so long. 

It is more delectable to listen to a prosperity liar 
than to an honest grouch. 

Some women are lucky if they can lose their reputa- 
tions. 

71 



B U B B 



Absence makes the heart grow fonder — of the swain 
who answers "present" is his place. 

Hair oil, a lotion of luxury at twenty-five, becomes a 
balm of hope at forty-five, and an irritant to the soul at 
sixty-five. 

There are just as good fish in the sea and all the 

rest of that rot but a filet of sole on the plate 

beats three whales in the Malay Archipeligo ! 

Gossips are never satisfied until they have added one 
and one and produced three. Then comes the grand 
closing chorus: ** We told you so !" 

The modern instalment plan: a dollar down, and a 
dollar whenever the collector catches you in ! 

Some girls are so frigid that young men call on them 
in squads, tying themselves together with ropes. 

The height of faith: to buy a hair-restorer from a 
bald headed drug-clerk. 

Tardiness is the sport of genius ! 

72 



B U B B 



There's a fortune in store for the inventor who can 
work up a system of utilizing the power wasted on chew- 
ing gum in a big office building! Niagara Falls would 
sink to the class of a dry battery ! 

Most men laugh at most things: most women at 
nothing! 

There is no greater Optimist than the Revolutionist. 

Who are the ''Old Guard ?'* The guys who took the 
'*rep" out of "Republican Party." 

Blessed is the Octagenarian with a keen memory, and 
a thousand youthful Follies to repent. 

The happiest memories of old men are the unfulfilled 
dreams of their youth. 

Boston culture is only bean deep. 

The stars are the best argument Tve ever seen against 
monotheism. 

Life is just hell on the instalment plan. 

73 



B U B B 



Blessings on the head of the mathematician who dis- 
covered that "Christmas comes but once a year/' 

A man and wife who eat off the stationary tub up in 
Harlem naturally find fault with the restaurant service 
downtown. 

What makes more noise than one automobile? 
Half a motorcycle. 

The chief difference between some men and most 
hogs is that the latter would not eat what is not good for 
them. 

New York club women have their "at homes" so that 
their families may become acquainted with them. 

The height of folly: to start a laundry in the Latin 
Quarter. 

When a man waits for the reward of patience, he is 
apt to find it moth-eaten. 

It's better to bite off more than you can chew than to 
starve to death, with chronic lock-jaw. 

74 



B U B B L 



Most young men are rabid reformers of the economic 
system, until age and the acquisition of kale convert 
them to belief in the divine law of property, as applied 
to themselves. 

If people got all they paid for they wouldn't want to 
spend any more money. 

A pretty wife at home keepeth the stenographer 
anxious to make good in the office. 

The fool doth think he is wise: but the wise gink 
cultivateth a reputation for boobery among the circle 
of his business acquaintances. He then cashes in, 
fluently. 

Let the dead past bury itself; and don't chop down the 
graveyard fence. 

Phrenologists can often tell a wife's temperament 
from the bumps on the husband's head. 

Compulsory education in grammar, geography and 
spellin', would be a good thing for many of our popular 
novelists. 

76 



B U B B 



It's wonderful to see the democracy which has been 
developed by the automobile; at any of the best clubs 
now you may see a man who owns a big six cylinder car 
chatting on the most friendly terms with some poor skate 
who only boasts of a two cylinder machine ! 

«^* «^ 

Tve almost come to the conclusion that the grave- 
yard temperature is about the same whether you get run 
over by a $15,000 automobile or a garbage cart pulled 
by a mule with one eye. 

This here fellow ''Anon'' is writing verses again for 
some of our best papers. He must be busy enough to 
hire a stenographer! 

Why is it that some girls never discover what dan- 
gerous reprobates some men are until they become en- 
gaged to some other lassies? 

A girl may be a dream of delight and a patrician of 
bluest blood serene, when eating spaghetti. But she 
doesn't look it ! 

A love which will withstand asphyxiation when girlie 
had onions for dinner is robust indeed, 

76 



B U B B 



The cleverest person in the world is the girl who 
makes the choice of her heart sure that he is ten 
thousand-fold cleverer than she: and she proceeds to 
keep a watchful eye on the pay envelope from that 
time on. 

If our neighbors can't play harps on the evergreen 
shore any better than they do their pianolas here, the 
Inferno is going to be overcrowded with music-lovers. 

Did you ever know of a man marrying a woman to 

reform her? 

«^» {^ 

The man who marries a girl for her money had bet- 
ter buy spectacles from his dowry, for he is apt to get 
strained eyes looking for the weekly pay envelope. 

When a chap can go bust and keep his friends he has 
proved himself a great man. 

The laughter and the tears of a maiden go by oppo- 
sites ! 

Common sense is much esteemed for its uncommon- 
ness! 

77 



BUBBLE 



The man who lives in a hall bed-room, that he may 
take his fiancee to the theatre in a taxicab had better 
join a class in oratory, for he will have some explaining 
to do after the wedding bells quiet down. 

Why do women need votes as long as they can weep 
and still look sweet? 

Infidelity — a small cottage entirely surrounded by 
Reno. 

Precocity — a small kid entirely surrounded by dot- 
ing relatives. 

Society — a small body of male and female boobs en- 
tirely surrounded by flunkeys, reporters and grafters. 

Nudity — a portion of altogether entirely surrounded 
by nothing. 

Rotundity — a dining-room entirely surrounded by bay 
window. 

A walking delegate is one who tries to run a factory to 
a standstill. 

78 



B U B B 



When you get right down to cold facts if justice pre- 
vailed we'd have to have about three hundred more jails 
in every town, and the New York streets would be as 
lonely as a summer colony in mid-January. 

When a man knows that he is a fool, and admits it, he 
has already convinced three-fourths of his acquaint- 
ances that he is wise. 

Three people can keep a secret, with one of them 
dead. 

A college athlete is very susceptible to lawn-mower 
blisters during vacation time ! 

Of all glad words that mortals know: 
"I knew it all a week ago!" 

Rome was not built in a day. It is rumored that the 
corner stone of Manhattan has been laid. It will be a 
fine town when they finish, to judge from the looks of 
our streets. 

They tell me one religion forbids eating pork. Can it 
be professional jealousy? 

79 



B U B B 



A man's life is so short that it is economy to spend 
much time delving in good books, dreaming through 
the frames of good pictures and feeling good music- 
getting in addition to his own existence the sublimation 
of all that is best and most vibrant of the great lives of 
all times. 

The best value in a sense of humor is its potency for 
showing us the ridiculous in our own conduct. 

A political movement which will bring tears to the 
eyes of its supporters will stir a nation and alter history. 

Why not organize a "Sodality for the Suppression 
of Sex?" 

Nothing is more tear-inspiring than a heart broken 
woman, with a dying pug dog, who is so fat that she 
can't weep on any sympathetic bosom but her own. 

Our minister he only goes to Ocean Grove onct every 
fifteen year, but when he do go, oh, gumswiggle. hov/ 
he do enjoy hisself. 

Closer than a brother: the American farmer. 

80 



BUB B 



A theatrical star has his name swung over the door in 
electric lights. He gets a thousand dollars a week; the 
play is written to show off his personality. The stage 
manager lies awake nights, planning his gestures, his 
inflections, his steps; the press agent besieges newspaper 
offices with columns of ananiasmic publicity matter 
about him. The spotlight pursues him around the stage. 
Yet he is given more plaudits and credit than the fifty- 
dollar-a-week actor who grips the audience with every 
word and act. And of such is the kingdom of Life. 

How can any man patronize the gambling gentry of any 
city after learning the figures which they pay for pro- 
tection? That hush-money for the police and the politi- 
cians could not come from anything but surething profits. 
Still, there's one born every minute, and the graft will 
go merrily on, in some form or other. 

Bathing: a summer recreation; a winter luxury; a 
legend with 99 44-100 per cent, of the Subway and Ele- 
vated passengers. 

If those who understood and appreciated good music 
went only to the opera, the picture shows would lose 
a lot of business. 

81 



B U B B 



In olden times it was the poet who peddled his heart- 
breaks — now it is the faithful housekeeper of the aged 
millionaire, who gets her dowry interest in the estate for 
a quit-claim. 

When I come to die let no man read to me from the 
Epigrams of Fra Elbertus! Death is sufficient punish- 
ment, per se. 

It must be awful to have to earn your living by selling 
things like "Bubbles!" 

Is the *Tamily Entrance'' of a New York saloon the 
place alloted for the use of the small, haggard child who 
plaintively pleads, "Father, dear father, the clock is 
striking thirteen?" 

When people say: '*We are related by marriage," my 
heart aches with sympathy. I hope that there is no 
mistake about it. 

Absence of body beats presence of mind in a gambling 
house raid. 

Nothing dries sooner than a chorus girl's weeps. 

82 



B U B B 



Time and tide wait for no man, but no man has a 
wife who doesn't wait for time and tide, and then some. 

Tell me if you buy ^'Bubbles" and Til tell you what 
you are. 

Never bite a gift cigar with the mouth: use a paper 
knife, thoroughly disinfected. 

He that lendeth with a system may borrow syste- 
matically and break even. 

Few New York married men are hard drinkers. It's 
the easiest thing they do. 

And anyway, you remember the old epigram about 
the Bubble on the sea 

Where there's a will there's generally a graft. 

It is always open season for lambkins on Wall Street. 

A man who can keep the respect of his valet is a hero. 

Oh, Violet, I seen Melville last evening. Oops! 

88 



B U B B 



Pierrot was playing truant from the Land of Dreams, 
to investigate that curious thoroughfare which so many 
of the new-comers had described. He stood at the 
corner of Forty-Second Street and the Gotham Highway. 
The throngs sped onward like eddies in a mountain 
stream. 

"Mon Dieu!" muttered Pierrot. "They are wonder- 
ful, these Americans. What faces, what lines! They 
no not need to pantomine — they are expression stamped 
on skin: each man shows his profession. Each bears 
the brand of his work!" 

But, you know Pierrot never bothers much about the 
men. 

'These women! Ah, Columbine, they make my mem- 
ory falter. They are divine. I shall stop this handsome 
girl, with the glorious stature, and the Juno eyes." 

Pierrot bowed to a divine goddess sweeping past with 
a train of incense. 

She glared over an expansive shoulder. 

"Say, beat it, youse French mut. I'll have me steady 
give youse a hook in the beak. Can't a respectable 
ladie's lady have her Thursday off without a waffle- 
faced furriner tryin' ter pick her up?" 

Pierrot breathed hard. 

"I'll try this one, she is so sweet, so demure!" 

84 



B U B B 



A dainty broiler tripped airily across the excavations 
which make Times Square famous. She wore the im- 
possibly possible garb of the first row on the right, when 
it parades the highway. 

*'Bon jour!'' carolled Pierrot, as he obeisanced low. 

"Well, as I live. Its Marcelline. Why, I ain't seen 
you since I joined the Never Home chorus, dearie, have 
I? Oh, wasn't them the happy days in the dear old 
Hippydrume? But, I must be aviating, dearie, you 
know my new old man is just that impatient he fires the 
chauffeur when I'm late!" 

She toddled on before Pierrot could disclaim his Mar- 
cellinity. 

"Here comes a society woman, surely," thought the 
baffled Pierrot. "I must get acquainted with someone — 
perhaps I'll appeal to her!" 

A grand dame disembarked from a gasoline dread- 
naught. She approached Pierrot. 

"Didn't I meet you at the Bal de Quattres Arts?" be- 
gan Pierrot. 

A lorgnette, an ice-berg stare, and she passed by 
with a chill which almost cooled the beer in the Knicker- 
bocker Bar. 

A little milliner came past. She carried two flowered 
boxes. 

86 



B U B B 



''Hello, ma cherie," quoth Pierrot. "Won't you go to 
dinner with me?" 

Of this one he was certain. 

"Aw, what's there in it for me if I do? Tm too busy 
to waste me time on charity!*' came the answer. 

Pierrot — even Pierrot — was shocked. 

"Well, this one will speak to a poor lonesome dream- 
er, I know," he thought, struggling against despair as 
another crossed the maelstrom, under the giant traffic 
policeman's waving arm. 

She was the sort of a girl — well, you know just the 
sort. 

She made a fellow sort of crinkly around the eyes, 
and gave him that funny, little warm feeling at the 
temples, as he would gaze into hers. 

And her mouth ; it explained why Cupid doesn't have 
a bow now-a-days. 

And her sweet little figure — well, Pierrot had been 
some butterfly in his day, but he even forgot Columbine 
this time. 

"Oh, little lady," he murmured softly. "Don't you 
remember me?" 

"You — you — oh, aren't you Jack's college friend?" 

Pierrot cursed Jack, in his heart. But, he adopted him 
on the spot, as an excuse. 

86 



BUBBLES 

'Tes, yes, of course* Td like to see you — won't you 



go- 



But she interrupted him. 

The tears came into those eyes, and Pierrot nearly 
sobbed in sympathy. 

*Tou know — you know — Jack and I have quarreled, 
never to meet again. Oh, can't you tell him I'm wrong 
and want to make up. Oh, I want him so " 

And the message in her eyes — well, Pierrot knew what 
that meant. 

"Why !" and she laughed v/ith joy. 'There's Jack now." 

Jack rushed up, and such a scene. 

Pierrot blushed, through the chalk! 

She and Jack clambered into Jack's racing car, and 
they honk-honked up and away toward the Park. 

There were a hundred hundred of girls, tall, fair, dark, 
petite, all steering down toward Pierrot. 

But, that one look he had seen was Poetry. He hated 
Prose. 

He brushed away a cobweb from his soul, and took a 
big-eyed farewell look. 

"Columbine! Oh, if she only looked at me that way 
just every once in awhile." 

This time he wiped away something which was not 
a cobweb. 

87 



B U B B 



''Say, youse, wotcher blockin' that traffic for?" roar- 
ed the corner cop. "Upstage while the gangway's clear!" 

"If only Columbine "thought Pierrot. "I'll bet 

my Christmas pantomine suit that Jack doesn't love her 
the way she does him. Well, I guess I'd better return." 

And so he went. 

Gwendolyn, Dear Heart: — 

Oh, girlie, I ain't had no time to spare since our show 
was put on. We did get it over if I do say it. It was 
a grand Shulanger success; of course that rummie who 
writ the music got sore when they interpolated eleven 
songs by Issie Munchen, the East Side he-soprano, and 
that author beat it for Zanesville because they added 
real live humor in his show. Why, on my word, no one 
in the company understood the words them writers used 
on us; if us perfessionals couldn't dope it, how much 
would go across to boobs who wuld pay $2 a seat, dearie? 
Such is art under the persennian arch; so, far be it from 
me to get sore at Shakespere. I plumb forgot to tell 
you about my new friend; oh, dearie, he's grand and I 
know you and Mayme would just cotton to him. My 
gent friend, his name is Ulysses Lincoln Washington. 
But I may whisper to you that he adopted it for business 

88 



B U B B 



reasons, his brother is Yiddle Schwanzer, who owns a 
delicatessen and a barber shop combined, down on East 
Broadway. But my friend, Mr. Washington, he is much 
classier than his family. My dear, he is manicured some- 
times twice a day, he goes to a chairopodist every Satur- 
day night, and he has a weekly pass to Flashman's 
Turkey bath. For myself, girlie, — I wish you could 
see the favors he has done me. Mr. Washington is worth 
a million if a penny, and he has that influence that he 
never pays for nothin'! Oh, I wish you knew Ulys, as 
our set calls him for short. Why when our show, 'The 
Dame and The Walrus,*' opened, he sends me down a 
bouquet that took two ushers and the water boy to carry 
down the aisle and they broke the leader's violin getting 
it across. That stuck-up Guinevere Fitz-Murphy, the 
star, almost broke her Nemo Self-reducer trying to grab 
them flowers too. I waited unto the second curtain, when 
I walked over, and sung out in my pure soprano, 'Tar- 
don, sweetie, but them blossoms is mine — I can see my 
gent's card on them." Cheap — my dear, that girl 
wouldn't have sold on the scrap heap at Woolworth's. 
The manager he tried to can me, but Ulys he is lending 
them a few thousand for stage door privilege, and be- 
sides he has a press agent of his own, — and you can get 
me, dearie, without the aid of an opium pipe, as to where 

89 



B U B B 



I got off! I was given a speaking part, so I could slap 
the face of the villain; and say, "Rascal, I hate you, for 
you do not belong to the Royal Guards!" I wish you'd 
visit me, dearie, for you will like Ulys. He eats well, 
even for a millionaire, and I can't complain of nothin, 
since our friendship ripened. But, believe me, not much 
more of this spear carrying, with a slap on the side, for 
me, if I have to shoot a few holes in Mr. Washington's 
shins and become a emotional actoress. Ulys sends his 
love — ^he thinks I'm writing my mother. But, you ain't 
as old as her, and I know it. It's too bad you ain't got a 
friend. Come down to New York and I'll interduce you 
to brother Yiddle ! 

Affectionately your cousin, 

GLAEDYSE LA HOOLIHENE. 

Dost thou think because thou art a spinster there 
shall be no more heart-throbs and lingerie in the 
world? 

No man is so disgusted with life as an undertaker in 
a healthy neighborhood. 

Bitter wit is sour, but there are no flies on a vinegar 
barrel. 

90 



B U B B 



Bigotry is the inspiration of freedom seekers who 
escape its pale and pass new lav/s to keep others from 
fearless thinking. 

A man who is afraid to swear when very, very, very 
angry is not to be trusted. 

It takes true love to make a girl enjoy a kiss strained 
through whiskers. 

The greatest men of history owe most of their success 
to the advice they did not follow. 

A diplomat is a statesman with a reputation for patri- 
otically elastic integrity. 

Only one reason which could make a man kiss an 
alarm clock. 

Frequently a French beard is an alibi for a weak 
chin. 

Many a man is a better reader than he is a thinker. 

When in doubt — keep the other man guessing. 

91 



B U B B 



Prostitutes are not to be sneered at; they give many 
hopelessly unattractive women the chance to boast of 
their own virtue. 

Vanity is the six-cylinder engine that drives the 
automobile of Humanity; and it is flattery which fills the 
gasoline tank ! 

Isn't it curious how all the girls you know always buy 
shoes too large for them — as they tell about it after- 
wards? 

A man can boast of his past, but all the king's horses 
and all the king's men cannot help him alter an iota of it. 

It's amusing to watch a chorus girl gobble lobster — 
when you don't have to pay the dinner check! 

A clever little plan is to howl "Stop Thief!" just 
before the policeman nabs you. 

Women admire shy men in novels and play. They 
shy away from him in real life. 

Anything really worth having cannot be bought. 

92 



B U B B 



The chaste ladies of Norwalk, Ohio, tarred and 
feathered a young woman the other night, — attired in 
men's clothes. Could their lack of success in women's 
garb — or without it — have had anything to do with the 
religious activity? 

Many of our leading publishers are wasting time out- 
side the Temple of the Delphic Oracle — to judge from 
their positive talent for issuing January magazines in 
the preceeding September. 

One letter may win a heart. 
Two letters may win alimony. 

A hundred letters may run into the tenth edition — 
provided they have never been frost-bitten. 

Nothing is more annoying than a man who persistently 
tries to agree with you, no matter how inconsistent you 
may be. 

The power to vitalize mediocrity has filled nine out of 
ten niches in Westminster Abbey. 

Many a dog is considered mad when he is merely 
near-sighted. 

93 



FEB 7 1913 



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